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OK so now I was being faced with my biggest *test* yet and I have had a few biggies in my life, in retrospect all heralded a greater freedom and sense of contentment in my life.

I knew without a doubt I needed time - time to think without interruption – without the fearful faces of my family which was heartbreaking to see – all this caused me a lot of emotional pain as I knew if I told them I wanted to get away for a while they would see it as a rejection of them, I later found out that they had thought worse - they thought I had left and I would never be coming back, oh my heart still pangs at the thought of them going thru those thoughts; but I also knew I had to be strong for me and if  it worked we would all benefit.

Next thing I know is I have a phone call from an acquaintance asking if I knew of anyone who could house/dog sit for her for a week – well I long gave up believing in coincidence, just no such thing – she lived about 40 miles away – it really was so hard leaving Del J n L and all the animals, I knew the animals wouldn’t get quite the same care with me not there and more guilt would well up; living with the guilt emotions threatening to overwhelm me, in retrospect was a great strengthener – I should add that  the same week as I was told it was malignant melanoma we also received notice to quit our house of 9 years, my landlord who had once also been a friend and employer had realised that he could get a much bigger rent if he could get rid of me, I had been renting from him for over 12 years and I had a fair rent agreement, which in the intervening years had been abolished but couldn’t be taken away from those who had it. Now that I no longer worked for him I was no longer a viable proposition obviously – I had been a shepherdess/kennel maid/groom for him for over 8 years and only gave it up because I had put my back out 3 years on the trot and was told no more heavy work; but again there were more esoteric reasons behind all of this but not really part of this story……..

The first couple of days at Vickies I kinda fell into a morose state of mind with very emotional phone calls with Del each day, but I talked my way thru it and knew that I was really gonna have to walk my talk here……so take on board that I had created this malaise along with the realisation that the planet was polluted there fore how can we not be polluted also – if I can heal on the individual level then I am contributing to the collective healing – yep these and many other thoughts coursed through  my mind – years of self loathing for many reasons, focused, albeit much of the time unconsciously, at my legs, the frustration of the years when my legs seemed to be the focus of all other’s attention – excuse me my eyes are  in my face – oh a lot of anger – anger at other females who used their female form to get what they want……yeah I had to look all my anger in the eye and it was quite an obese entity, there was sorrow to as I remembered my mother's attitude towards me as I was growing up, but I couldn't damn her I guess she was doing only what she knew how and for what she thought were the right reasons, but she didn't inspire confidence or self love in me, but all of these things I had to face and let go and let go with thoughts of love, often easier said than done, but with using meditative times to be first passive and allow the thoughts to come to me and then active meditation to let them go with love - cause and effect (or reincarnation if you prefer)had given me all the situations and it is what I do with the situations that makes the change, breaking the cycle I think it is often called, acting with thought rather than on pure emotion, acknowledging there is a bigger picture just because we cannot see the whole picture doesn’t mean it isn’t there to be seen, we need microscopes to see that which is smaller, we need a state of mind to see that which is  bigger…….

I spent 3 weeks away from home as I went on to look after another friends house n animals, there is no denying it was a very painful emotional time for me and my family; I read a lot in this time – Deepak Chopra found his way into my life and I was greatly inspired by his books. So when I went home I was a lot stronger emotionally and mentally and held the belief strong inside that I would live ……I accepted I had created this entity on my body therefore I had the power to destroy –  as a pacifist this did not sit well within me so I took on the thought that it was an alien that had landed on the wrong planet and that it meant me no harm personally, it was only being itself, so I could love it instead, love is the transmuting force……BUT the balance had to be found and too much thought could be detrimental, lending energy to it, so I chose to give it love only when it did cross my mind , which slowly over time became less n less as life n living took over; I realised also that I had to do something on the physical level  to have whole healing, I was working on the emotions and the mind, so I started to ask all of my friends who were on the alternative circuit……..and read some more….and meditated…

Del wanted me to start eating meat again to build me up – I agreed to have chicken once or twice a week along with fish; I had to realise that the feelings and wishes of my family had to be considered also – after all they were supporting me – so I talked to Del J n Lau and asked their opinions and feelings…….I was open to trying all in order to find what *felt right*…..

I should add here that while I was house sitting in Moniaive I walked into the village one day – called into the PO – which was and still is run by a lovely couple Sharon n Paul, Sharon is perfect as she knows everything and having quizzed me as to why where and what told me of a cottage for rent in the little hamlet of Kirkland about 3 miles from Moniaive – which turned out to be owned by the son of a farmer that Del knew from Eskdalemuir…..and you wonder why I don’t believe in coincidence……yep we ended up renting this cottage for 2 years…. A pagan friend of ours said we had become the gate keepers (and I had that thought about my lymph glands not so long ago)……it was certainly a time of great learning healing and sharing despite starting very sadly with the death of  all of our dogs, 2 put down and one got hit by a car the day we moved house, he was upset and managed to open the back door of the new house….very strange times full of extremes and dichotomies……

The move put me in an area  with a high population of spiritually inclined people and I came to know some really fabby people who helped each in their own way; I came into contact with Second Aid and Judy who inspired me greatly although I couldn’t really afford her courses etc at the time, she did agree to some distant healing and had me meditate each day at a certain time and whenever I went for a walk to keep a mantram in mind with each step ( and I find myself slipping into this even now when feeling fearful); another set of circumstances brought the Life Foundation into my life and I met some wonderfully inspirational people who lent their support to me and again in retrospect I think they were instrumental in much of my emotional healing as I remember this time as being filled with a lot of crying which was releasing all that I had held onto in the hurt and anger department); on my search for a physical aid in my healing I went to see Jan de Vries who had a centre in the next county and a few of my friends thought he was very good, I had read some of his books and as he was into herbal/flora type remedies I felt a kinship, my garden was very important to me and became more so as I discovered/realised the therapeutic qualities of something that came naturally to me, well with no disrespect to Jan de Vries, but he wasn’t for me, I found him a little too scary and way too expensive, I went away with the feeling that if I didn’t drink vast quantities of beetroot juice there was no hope for me, I instantly baulked at the smell of beetroot….so ruled that one out. I took a look at homeopathy but could find no connection. I did use flower remedies, had used them with my children for years, but felt that something else was needed – I was already a healthy eater, preferring simple ordinary natural food, didn’t eat at fast food places didn’t buy processed food, not a big sugar lover, never had fizzy drinks, baked my own bread and baked goodies for the kids. No I am not a paragon of virtue as I smoke and drink – haha I can hear the shocked intakes of breath as you read that yep and I still drink and smoke, I do not smoke regular cigarettes as they are so full of chemicals yukkity yuk – when I booted them out my life along with my inability to breathe in life positively the bronchitis I had suffered every year from the age of 21 to 34 left and has never returned (took 2 seven year cycles to learn that one). And I do enjoy a glass or two of red wine each evening although I get times when I stop for a while, I just try and listen to my body these days and do what feels right, when head heart and body are in one accord then it is right, this is true for everyone, again it is something that gets easier as the years pass – most of the time I am happy to eat what is put before me (since my husband retired he has taken over the cooking, and he has very different dietary needs to me we are like chalk and cheese, but we acknowledge that each knows their own body best) but every now and then I will get cravings for a boost of something in particular and will follow through, I haven’t been to  Doctor since my visit to the oncologist nearly 10 years ago and have hadn’t had a cold or *virus* for the past 2 years, despite everyone snuffling and coughing around me, so I guess I must be doing something right, but I'll not rest on my laurels :)  Despite my best friend being a wonderful aromatherapist I wasn’t too keen on that as I wasn’t sure whether this could encourage growth, but she supplied me with lovely smells to bath in and huge amounts of support and through Sa came my first connection with Essiac, a friend of hers who was living in Ireland had sent her through a lot of stuff about the Essiac Centre then based in Ireland, well I read through it all.........

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